What it means to be alive
by invisiblebloodycookie
Summary: summary inside the story.
1. Chapter 1 My new life, is a joke!

Espy is a girl who has never been shown love she has been abused by her drunk father and neglected by her own mother ever since she can remember scared to tell her mother who is lost in her own depression so she keeps quite as long as she can. moving from state to state once her secret gets out, her father is wanted for child abuse in 7 states. every time they move her father does a rehab session and thinks he is all better. Espy and her siblings are promised a new life, but that's just distant dream. Espy also has the burden of taking care of young Mackenzie, sweet Casey and watching over her older rebellious brother Allan. Espy has the hope for getting away from this stressful nightmare once she turns eighteen to live with the only person who listens to her , her grandmother, just four years to go until happiness is in her grasp, but everything changes when she moves to a small town called Falcon Valley. when she feels the absent feeling from her life love. Calen is a rugged bad boy that hates school and runs with a terrible crowd, until he meets Espy. He finds him self falling in love with her, more and more as they grow closer. all he wants is to care for her but she wont give him the time of day because josh is the apple of her eye he is a beautiful jock who's smooth with the ladies and has poor innocent Espy wrapped around his finger. Espy pushes Calen away as She pulls Josh close.

* * *

What it means to be alive.

I saw it out of the corner of my eye. His big greasy right hand coming at me full speed. "SMACK!" Dish soap and water went everywhere. As I fell to the floor of our new kitchen in our new house meant for a new life, I realized nothing had changed.

It has started, the fight is going to go on all night.

My vision blurred as I stood up in front of my drunk father and watched his every move, making sure I would know when the next strike was going to hit. Trying to protect myself from the monster, I ran as fast as I could with my head pounding, I escaped into my mothers room, hoping she was awake to save me from him.

"Espy! She is not awake, she will not wake until morning". His voice boomed as he walked up the stairs laughing. I noticed the pill bottles on her dresser, sleeping pills, antidepressant.

"Crap". I whispered as I opened the door hoping to make a fast escape to my brothers new room. I am too slow, too weak. He picked me up with both hands shoving me against the wall, hitting my head making the head ache worst if possible. I let out a the loudest scream I could, trying to be louder than my brother's rock music blasting in his room. I guess I was.

The Next minute Allan came flying out of his room he saw what's going on. "Let go of her" he Said in a stern voice he walked towards us. I closed me eyes, I didn't want to see the next punch. I felt my fathers hands let go of my arms I slowly slid down the wall to weak to stand to scared to look.

THUD! At this point I was not sure who hit who but I was sure some one fell on the floor, I didn't want to look even if I did my vision is so blurry from all the tears, that I wouldn't be able to see much of what happened anyways.

I curled up in a ball and covered my face. I waited two or three minutes then raised my head to see the battle field around me. It was quite, too quite. my father was laying in the hall way face down, Allan was standing there life less looking at me with his big green eyes full of fear.

He swallowed it away "get in your room, I don't want to have to save you again" he walked into his room shut the door and cranked up the guitar solo.

I scrambled to my feet, rubbing my eyes I made it to my new room a sigh of relief as I curled up in my blankets.

At this point I would cry and feel helpless, I remember when I wouldn't sleep for days because I was so scared he would come back for more beatings. Allan use to protect me more when we were younger but as we get older he is getting more and more fete up with our father. I wish it would just go away but I have noticed its nights like this when I am lucky To even be alive. This is a night Allan has a heart lately he's been missing.

I pulled out a photo of me last year with grand in Cali. My grandmas gray locks still had strips of dark velvet red mixed into her gray. I am glad that me and my grandmother look so alike. We both have curly, lustrous, velvet red hair with a natural highlight of brown. always kept long, are face is sprinkled with light brown spots both have a fair complexion that glows with a hint of pink on are pale white skin, but what we share that I love the most is I have her striking almond shaped emerald green eyes that always seemed to glow in the warm sun light. I dozed off thinking of my favorite person in the world. Slipping into the dreamy happiness of a day with out pain.


	2. Chapter 2 Doing what a mother should do!

Espy is a girl who has never been shown love she has been abused by her drunk father and neglected by her own mother ever since she can remember scared to tell her mother who is lost in her own depression so she keeps quite as long as she can. moving from state to state once her secret gets out, her father is wanted for child abuse in 7 states. every time they move her father does a rehab session and thinks he is all better. Espy and her siblings are promised a new life, but that's just distant dream. Espy also has the burden of taking care of young Mackenzie, sweet Casey and watching over her older rebellious brother Allan. Espy has the hope for getting away from this stressful nightmare once she turns eighteen to live with the only person who listens to her , her grandmother, just four years to go until happiness is in her grasp, but everything changes when she moves to a small town called Falcon Valley. when she feels the absent feeling from her life love. Calen is a rugged bad boy that hates school and runs with a terrible crowd, until he meets Espy. He finds him self falling in love with her, more and more as they grow closer. all he wants is to care for her but she wont give him the time of day because josh is the apple of her eye he is a beautiful jock who's smooth with the ladies and has poor innocent Espy wrapped around his finger. Espy pushes Calen away as She pulls Josh close.

* * *

"Wake up". My mother said shaking my shoulder. "You have to take Casey to school and Mackenzie to day care". I opened my eyes, they felt heavy as the light shined threw the dusty old window.

" I am up" I replied to my mother in a sleepy tone, not to convincing but she really didn't care.

"Ok, bye I will be home around seven make dinner its in the freezer" she shouted at me as she walked in to the hallway and diapered like always, gone. She wakes up early to get a few drinks before work and stays out late to get drunk before coming home because she knows she couldn't stand life with out her baby liquor.

I got up and grabbed my towel off of my bed post. I turned on the shower and got in. The warm water felt nice on my neck and head. I was sore. I wetted my hair and started to rub shampoo threw it. My scalps burned bad, I quickly rinsed the shampoo out and noticed it was bloody and raw. From last night.

I hurried and washed my body got out and slipped on clothes. Last years skinny jeans and Hawthorne heights band shirt. I haven't went school shopping yet and I don't plan too, best thing about moving around all the time is no one notices that I am wearing last years clothes. I sighed and brushed my tangled hair trying to not hit my sore spot.

"Espy!". Casey yelled. That's my Queue I grabbed my backpack and went down stares.

"what's wrong Casey?" I asked grabbing Mackenzie from her hands rocking her back a forth clamming her whimpers, why give a baby to another baby doesn't make since to me I thought. "Come on, Casey" I nudged her out the door.

It was cold and kind of rainy. So I covered Mackenzie with the blanket and put my hood on, I hate being in Portland its always so wet and cold, nothing like Cali where grandma lives I sure miss it there always warm and sunny.

"I am so excited I cant wait to go to a new school and meet new people" Casey said splashing in the rain puddle with her big cheesy smile.

"Yes, it is very exciting" I lied but I didn't want to bring her down. I am just happy that she can live on with a bright smile and it not be a lie I didn't want to be the reason it was either.

Falcon elementary school was only a few blocks away, easy enough that Casey will have to walk home alone. "Well you're here." I said to Casey with a huge cheesy smile.

"See ya later" she yelled walking off as her dimples faded into inheritance.

"Your not going to give me a hug!" She ran back and rapped her arms around me.

"I love you" she whispered.

"I love you too, now go to school kiddo". I hated this always having to play the "mother part" because are mother was too fucked up to realize that she is failing to show love.

"Baba" Mackenzie mumbled she was getting sleepy again, she always wanted her bottle when she was about to dose off.

"here is your bottle" I said giving it to her." come on time to go to daycare." I tried to keep her up long enough to get there, it was nice to have her daycare close to are house as well only down the street from the elementary.

What a nice set up I thought as I entered the daycare, they were lucky because Mackenzie was just about to fall asleep. The daycare was a bright yellow with peach curtains and white carpet pretty nice, toys were scattered everywhere many children were playing with them, there was also another room in the back of the room on the door it said "nappy room" written in red on a white door.

"How may I help you?" a young woman maybe in her twenties asked rocking a baby in her arms. she had long black straight hair and big brown eyes, quite thin she seemed like one of those girls on TV for those stupid modeling shows, only weight 5 pounds and had perfect skin no boobs or curves because no one made clothes for girls like me. C cups when I was in the 5th grade and have monster hips, one thing I am happy about is I am very slender even though I have a wide bone structure and huge knockers.

" uh, yeah I was wondering if I could sign her up for daycare Mondays threw Saturdays?" I asked not sure how to do this.

"Yes I just need you to fill these paper out." she said in a loud jolly tone, handing me a packet of papers and a pen, taking Mackenzie from my arms I would not usually allow some one to hold Mackenzie but i oddly trusted this lady she seemed like she knew what she was doing. I sat down on the floor, and started to fill out the papers. I couldn't help but notice some guy sitting down and coloring with a few of the older kids he didn't seem like a "child lover". He wore a black long coat and baggy blue jeans with a belt, his hair was messy and black greasy looking too. Kind of nasty. It was then I noticed he was smiling at me, not a happy smile but a sweet hello smile. His eyes were a cloudy blue mostly covered by his shaggy hair.

I looked away, not sure what to do. Was I just staring. And he started back. I thought as I finished filling out the papers. I stood up, and walked over to the young woman again. "I don't have a home phone, but other than that everything was filled out" I said handing it to her.

"Ok thank you for signing up for catholic daycare center, I have to ask will it bother you to know some of are workers are here for community serves, were kind of low on staff?" she asked. I knew it he wasn't here willingly probably got caught selling drugs or hijacking a car, ha. What a punk and to think I thought he was cute. As if. "Miss?" She interrupted my thought.

"oh no it wont bother me." I smiled.

"Ok. You want to say good bye to your daughter." she handed me Mackenzie. I kissed her four head and gave her back. I would of corrected the woman tell her I am not her mother, but I kind of am, have been sense aunt Katie got into Meth and handed little kinezy over to my mother, and my mother gave her to me two years ago. I never found out what happened to kinezy's mom, but if I find her I will give her a piece of my mind for a bonding kinezy.

" I never caught your name?" she said.

" I am Espy, Espy Gray and you?" I replied.

" I am Mary hawk." she smiled and i walked out of the door, the rain has picked up so has the wind. It was colder. I zipped up my sweater and put my hood back on.


	3. Chapter 3 First day of school

Espy is a girl who has never been shown love she has been abused by her drunk father and neglected by her own mother ever since she can remember scared to tell her mother who is lost in her own depression so she keeps quite as long as she can. moving from state to state once her secret gets out, her father is wanted for child abuse in 7 states. every time they move her father does a rehab session and thinks he is all better. Espy and her siblings are promised a new life, but that's just distant dream. Espy also has the burden of taking care of young Mackenzie, sweet Casey and watching over her older rebellious brother Allan. Espy has the hope for getting away from this stressful nightmare once she turns eighteen to live with the only person who listens to her , her grandmother, just four years to go until happiness is in her grasp, but everything changes when she moves to a small town called Falcon Valley. when she feels the absent feeling from her life love. Calen is a rugged bad boy that hates school and runs with a terrible crowd, until he meets Espy. He finds him self falling in love with her, more and more as they grow closer. all he wants is to care for her but she wont give him the time of day because josh is the apple of her eye he is a beautiful jock who's smooth with the ladies and has poor innocent Espy wrapped around his finger. Espy pushes Calen away as She pulls Josh close.

* * *

Waiting for the bus was longer than I thought. I was waiting there for at least 10minutes. School doors open in 20minutes I really do not under stand why school start so late 8 thirty o'clock is the latest I have ever seen any school open, I guess it is good because it gives me time to drop the kids off.

I stood at the school keeping my mind busy trying to pass time... other people started to show up I could see them forming into groups no one was alone everyone had some one on there side, but me. I saw my brother he fit in perfectly with a group of "punk kids" i saw that boy at the daycare center standing by my brother, but Allan still stood alone. He was stubborn to show any weakness or need for anything. like friends, but i knew he would make some friends if not with the guys the girls would fall all over him by tomorrow always do.

"Hi, I'm grace" a bright blond preppy girl cheered loudly at me with a huge ear to ear smile (perfect white teeth).

"I'm Espy." I said in my quite voice gripping my Sketch book tightly. Meeting new people make me uncomfortable, I tried to not let it show.

"Are you new here?" the obvious question was asked.

"Uh. Y-yeah." i stuttered terribly."How old are you, you look a bit young?" she almost cut me off.

"I am 14, and you?" I asked not really curious but I didn't want do be rude, today is not the day to have enemies plus i need a guide around school.

" I am 15." she said reading a text message her face crinkled into a million wrinkles as a smile came across her face. " Uh I have to go, ttyl Espy." She said my name wrong and then she walked away into the crowd of people hooking her arms around a beautiful blond boy.

*RING* school bell rang.

Well here i go. i thought as i pushed threw the crowd of people to the front doors of Falcon High. inside wasn't to shabby brick walls and normal multicolored tiles on the floor. the office was right there as you took your first steps inside i guess i didn't need a guide after all. "hello?" i said looking for some one in the office.

"oh, hey welcome to Falcon High missy" a sweet old lady said standing no more that 4 feet from the floor.

" I am Espy Gray i am here to pick up my schedule"

"oh, hmmm let me see here...ah here you go sweetie" she handed the paper.

"uh, this is my brothers schedule Allan gray, I am Espy gray."

"oh dear I am sorry. here you go"

"thank you" I smiled and walked out. now i have to find my brother to give him this, the thought of walking around this huge school hunting down Allan made my backpack feel heavier. lets see what classes i have to take.

Espy Gray .M

School hours 8:35-5:451st. algebria 1 & 2 miss Stanley Rm. 153 8:35-9:40

2nd. history Mr. frocks Rm 78 9:45-10:50

3rd. English Mr. Carson Rm 62 10:55-12:00(home Rm)

Lunch 12:00-1:00

4th. Science Mrs. Nicene Rm 98 1:05-2:105th.P.E Mr. Kane & Mrs. Lon Rm 67 2:15-3:25

6th. Spanish Mrs. rashel 108 3:30-4:35

7th. Ap English Mr. Carson Rm 62 4:40-5:45

I am not to happy about having math class first thing in the morning or not having a art class at all. I never liked it much I got so bored and I can never do a long division problem or multiplying factors or even plan algebraic problems. At least history was next, I always like to learn about all of the old wars and presidents, but that was last years history class who know what I will learn in this one. I mean what kind of name is Mr. frocks sounds kind of loony to me.

English was my strong point in school I like reading, writing and I can just forget about life in most English classes. I either get lost in the book or the writing prompt, the one thing I hate about this class is I never get enough time, but now I have two English classes. Ap English I never have been in a Ap English class before? I can wait until the end of the day.


	4. Chapter 4 Josh :D Gang:C

Espy is a girl who has never been shown love she has been abused by her drunk father and neglected by her own mother ever since she can remember scared to tell her mother who is lost in her own depression so she keeps quite as long as she can. moving from state to state once her secret gets out, her father is wanted for child abuse in 7 states. every time they move her father does a rehab session and thinks he is all better. Espy and her siblings are promised a new life, but that's just distant dream. Espy also has the burden of taking care of young Mackenzie, sweet Casey and watching over her older rebellious brother Allan. Espy has the hope for getting away from this stressful nightmare once she turns eighteen to live with the only person who listens to her , her grandmother, just four years to go until happiness is in her grasp, but everything changes when she moves to a small town called Falcon Valley. when she feels the absent feeling from her life love. Calen is a rugged bad boy that hates school and runs with a terrible crowd, until he meets Espy. He finds him self falling in love with her, more and more as they grow closer. all he wants is to care for her but she wont give him the time of day because josh is the apple of her eye he is a beautiful jock who's smooth with the ladies and has poor innocent Espy wrapped around his finger. Espy pushes Calen away as She pulls Josh close.

* * *

Boom all my books fell to the white tile flooring and I fell hard on to my back. "oh, my bad" I heard a guy say. A sweet sun tan hand shot out in front of my face. I flinched and closed my eyes, one thing worst than getting hit is seeing it and feeling it. I waited for the stinging pain to find my face but it never came.

all my books fell to the white tile flooring and I fell hard on to my back. "oh, my bad" I heard a guy say. A sweet sun tan hand shot out in front of my face. I flinched and closed my eyes, one thing worst than getting hit is seeing it and feeling it. I waited for the stinging pain to find my face but it never came.

" here I'll help you up" he said again I opened my eyes studied his hand for a short moment. Slowly I put my hand on his, the warmth gave me a shiver down my arm I could feel the hairs sticking up under my sweater. His hand gripped tightly on mine, I was swiftly on my feet in seconds standing inches from his face.

"sorry about that I didn't see you there, I am Josh" his voice was flawlessly confident and charming. I blushed as the sweet smell of toothpaste found my nose. I raised my head. He had bright honey-blonde hair that paired fondly with his sun glow skin.

I couldn't look him in the eyes I would melt, they were a warm reddish brown so beautiful. his thick raven black eyelash's batting as the smooth sounds escapes his peach lips crinkled into a breath taking smile, he had a small freckle over the left peak of his upper lip. He had a small lock of hair that fell in front of his forehead. He must have been a jock because he was wearing a football jersey.

"and you are?" the smell of toothpaste came over the air again and then I realized he was asking me. "uh, I am Espy." I said in my small voice. I looked down at are hands, they were still locked together, as soon as I realized this he let go as if it bothered me. "are you new here, I have never seen you before?" his eyes glowed the feeling of summer.

"I am new, today is my first day of school here. I am kind of lost *laugh*." I laughed I cant believe I laughed nervously. *he laughed* "you have a cute laugh Espy" I felt my face getting hot and I knew that I must be redder than Santa clause. "thanks."

"here are you books, and schedule." he said handing me my things. "hey josh, come on!" some boy down the hall shouted "see you in history and Spanish" he patted my right arm, winked and jogged away leaving me breathless. I stood there more, probably two minutes, the halls were empty and I bet I was late to math class already.

I sped walked to math to find that the room door was locked, I had to knock. I knocked softly I didn't want to draw any attention to myself on the first day. But no one answered. I took a step back to prepare my self for what I was going to have to do knock hard and loud. The door swung open. Thank god I stepped back or it would of hit me in the face.

Out stepped seven boys all looked like punks. A teacher was yelling sounded old and overwhelmed "get back in here or your having lunch detections" I was hoping to slip into the classroom before they shut the door but they didn't even see me. One boy yelled back "we're not going to be here long enough for lunch." he and the rest chuckled and closed the door.

Standing here almost invisible shockingly didn't feel weird I have gotten use to this feeling. The feeling of empty space no one see, that's me. As I start my confidence up once again to knock of the math door one boy acknowledged this empty space. "hey who are you" the grungy blond boy said making all the other guys look my way. Instantly I felt like a unimportant office building in a big city of tall strong scary sky scrapers.


	5. Chapter 5 What did i get myself into?

Espy is a girl who has never been shown love she has been abused by her drunk father and neglected by her own mother ever since she can remember scared to tell her mother who is lost in her own depression so she keeps quite as long as she can. moving from state to state once her secret gets out, her father is wanted for child abuse in 7 states. every time they move her father does a rehab session and thinks he is all better. Espy and her siblings are promised a new life, but that's just distant dream. Espy also has the burden of taking care of young Mackenzie, sweet Casey and watching over her older rebellious brother Allan. Espy has the hope for getting away from this stressful nightmare once she turns eighteen to live with the only person who listens to her , her grandmother, just four years to go until happiness is in her grasp, but everything changes when she moves to a small town called Falcon Valley. when she feels the absent feeling from her life love. Calen is a rugged bad boy that hates school and runs with a terrible crowd, until he meets Espy. He finds him self falling in love with her, more and more as they grow closer. all he wants is to care for her but she wont give him the time of day because josh is the apple of her eye he is a beautiful jock who's smooth with the ladies and has poor innocent Espy wrapped around his finger. Espy pushes Calen away as She pulls Josh close.

* * *

"uh, hi" I said with a unsure look on my face.

"who are you" the blond boy said leaning his arm against the wall over my head.

"I am Espy, Espy gray." I mumbled.

"hmmm, interesting." he lit a cigarette and leaned closer.

"leave her alone Trent." a guy in the back of the crowd said pitifully.

"wow, this is not the time to be a pussy Calen." the blond boy shouted.

"I am not being a pussy, look at her she is young and scared. Stop it." Calen said getting angry.

"no she is cute, and willing aren't you baby?" Trent said putting his hand on my hip. I pushed his hand away. Trents hand was rough and cold nothing like the nice boy I met earlier.

"get your hands off of her." Calen argued pulling Trent away from me forcefully. I finally saw Calen face, he is the boy I saw today at the day care. Does he even notice who I am? Is that why he is helping me? Does he think Kinsey is mine? These questions kept popping in my mind.

"C'mon Espy." Calen said walking down the hall. I swiftly fallowed him with out saying a word. I could tell who was my friend and who wasn't in this school already.

"thank you Calen." I was so grateful he cared. I just didn't know why he cared.

"don't mention it, I am sick of Trent and his gang of assholes." Calen turned and went up stairs.

"but aren't they your friends?" I asked. I couldn't help it I wanted to know everything about him.

"me and Trent go way back, I have known him since I was little and he was littler. We met in the 3rd grade Mrs. Fox's class, he always would get picked on and I was always there to save him. Ever since we have been best friends."

"what happen to the boy who was picked on." I wanted to know more.

"Trent and I in the sixth grade went to a wrestling match with our fathers', and then next week he was working out and said he wants to be a wrestler. Then once he started to beef up he found out that you don't need a high school diploma to wrestle. He started doing stupid shit and so did I. then he started to control me and all of 'his friends' started to chill with us. Then I just have got sick of it. Today was the final straw. He has been hurting girls for to long." as Calen spilled his whole life story to me I couldn't help but wonder into his icy eyes, so innocent, so misunderstood I was lost in them. He would flick his shaggy hair out of his face and a effortlessly beautiful smile would appear onto his pale skin. He was so broken but he could still love. 'how'? I thought.

"Espy?" Calen interrupted my thought.

"yeah?" I answered back still lost in his icy gaze.

"well are you hungry?"

"uh no. I am find. Are you?" I lied I was starving, I haven't ate since we were at the old house. 4 days ago.

"kind of but, I will live." he sighed and looked at his cell phone. "I have a miss call, can you hold on."

"sure." he walked a few feet away. I could hear the voice mail it was a woman's voice really upset. "Calen its me Lorrean, uh. I just came back from the doctors office and I am pregnant with twins, but there is no heartbeat." Lorrean breathed hard and sobbed. "Sunday I have to go in and have a C-section to get them out. I'll like it if you were there." more sobbing. "please call me back, sorry about yesterday." click. Calen walked back over to the stairs we were sitting at. He had a smile upon his face, but I could tell it was fake. A tear trickled down his face.

"what wrong?" I asked as if I didn't hear it.

"My." he coughed and wiped his face. " My Babies have well died." he smiled and then started to cry hard. I didn't know what to do so I slid my arm around him and hugged him.

"you guys can try again. Things like this happen to people all the time, just bad luck." I tried to reassure him. He scooted closer and hugged me back, I could feel his warmth all over.

"I am mad, not sad. I am hurt, not sad. I want to scream 'I told you so', not try again." Calen said spitefully.


	6. Chapter 6 Said to much!

Espy is a girl who has never been shown love she has been abused by her drunk father and neglected by her own mother ever since she can remember scared to tell her mother who is lost in her own depression so she keeps quite as long as she can. moving from state to state once her secret gets out, her father is wanted for child abuse in 7 states. every time they move her father does a rehab session and thinks he is all better. Espy and her siblings are promised a new life, but that's just distant dream. Espy also has the burden of taking care of young Mackenzie, sweet Casey and watching over her older rebellious brother Allan. Espy has the hope for getting away from this stressful nightmare once she turns eighteen to live with the only person who listens to her , her grandmother, just four years to go until happiness is in her grasp, but everything changes when she moves to a small town called Falcon Valley. when she feels the absent feeling from her life love. Calen is a rugged bad boy that hates school and runs with a terrible crowd, until he meets Espy. He finds him self falling in love with her, more and more as they grow closer. all he wants is to care for her but she wont give him the time of day because josh is the apple of her eye he is a beautiful jock who's smooth with the ladies and has poor innocent Espy wrapped around his finger. Espy pushes Calen away as She pulls Josh close.

* * *

"I am confused?" I wondered out loud.

"I was forced, and she killed those babies. She always would drink and have sex with other guys."

"how do you know?"

"Trent might be a dick but he tells the truth, and he goes to every party and shit to get girls. She is always there doing the same shit fucking and drinking. I was once in love with her. Until I found out she and josh had sex while we were together and then I was done. We dated for 3 years and I wanted to marry her, and my family knew that's why I have to stay with her. They think I still want her, but I hate her." he said sitting up wiping his face.

"oh, wow. I am sorry Calen." I wanted to say something that would help but I came up blank. "well I met Josh, he was nice. maybe he changed."

"of course you met him, and of course he was nice." Calen looked pissed. "you..uh just be careful when it comes to Josh he has a way of taking advantage of sweet girls, he will never change. He has no reason to change he can hide his mistakes under a blanket of his mommies money."

*Calen* POV

"I'll watch out ok." Espy smiled. Her smile was telling me its going to be okay, but her eyes had something else to say. I knew she was just saying she'll watch out to cheer me up, and it was working.

"Calen lets get something to eat, I am hungry now."

"alright, we can leave campus and go to Pattie's diner or we can break into the café and get something there. What do you want?"

"I don't know how the food is here, or at Pattie's diner so you pick." I knew she would say something like that. She wore the look on her face, scared.

"we will go to the diner. Ok." her face was cold and her eyes dimmed.

"I have no money, right now." her tummy growled or maybe it was mine.

"no worries I have money." she began to pick her fingers in her lap. "what's wrong?"

"I won't have money for a while…I don't think I could pay you back." she started to cry.

"hey hey. No need to pay me back I don't care buying a good looking girl like yourself something to eat." I smiled and brushed her hair out of her face, her hair felt like it hasn't been brushed in weeks and then I saw it. A huge bloody mark over her right eye brow traced into her hair line.

"Espy what happen?"

"nothing I uh. Fell this morning I uh, am not use to the new house kind of big you know." she smile and flung her hair over her face covering the gash. I didn't believe her. Then I saw her lip was busted too. She was beaten.

"who did this to you?" I asked looking at her bruised face, it hurt to look at her. I finally understand the look in her eyes. She is broken. She didn't say anything. "espy who is breaking you?" she stood up.

"I have to go." she whispered and ran off.

How could some one hurt such sweet girl, she was so little and beautiful. What monster could hit her, and make her so scared to even tell me or anyone. I bet she hasn't even ate in weeks. I thought as I walked to Pattie's Diner.

. I thought as I walked to Pattie's Diner.

I always liked the smell of Pattie's, she always had this place smelling like love. "hey Patty!" she always wore a silk button up with some type of flower print, today was roses. Witch matched her roses old cheeks, that were covered in years of life. Her laughing marks were deeply imprinted into her soft skin. Still full of life.

"what can I get for you Calen?"

"what's your pancake of the day?"

"raspberry pancakes with a side of bacon, eggs and hash browns." she smiled.

"you always know how to give a good meal, I'll take two.

"that will be 24.50." Patties was expensive but so tasty. I walked over to my usual table, right by the window. I like that I can see falcon park right across the street, most of my childhood is in that park.

"here Calen."

"thanks bye patty!" I said darting out the door.

The rain stopped, I am glad because I wouldn't want the food to get soggy in its to -go bag. When I arrived at school it was almost the end of second period. I hope Espy didn't go to her class.


	7. Chapter 7 Stupid thoughts

Espy is a girl who has never been shown love she has been abused by her drunk father and neglected by her own mother ever since she can remember scared to tell her mother who is lost in her own depression so she keeps quite as long as she can. moving from state to state once her secret gets out, her father is wanted for child abuse in 7 states. every time they move her father does a rehab session and thinks he is all better. Espy and her siblings are promised a new life, but that's just distant dream. Espy also has the burden of taking care of young Mackenzie, sweet Casey and watching over her older rebellious brother Allan. Espy has the hope for getting away from this stressful nightmare once she turns eighteen to live with the only person who listens to her , her grandmother, just four years to go until happiness is in her grasp, but everything changes when she moves to a small town called Falcon Valley. when she feels the absent feeling from her life love. Calen is a rugged bad boy that hates school and runs with a terrible crowd, until he meets Espy. He finds him self falling in love with her, more and more as they grow closer. all he wants is to care for her but she wont give him the time of day because josh is the apple of her eye he is a beautiful jock who's smooth with the ladies and has poor innocent Espy wrapped around his finger. Espy pushes Calen away as She pulls Josh close.

* * *

EPOV

I just couldn't go to second period and the thought of seeing josh after what Calen told me, I was terrible. I would feel even worst about myself if I did is josh and still like him even though it went against everything I know about a relationship. I mean look at Steve and Jackie, the way they met wasn't really a 'love story'.

One night on my mothers way home (Jackie) my father (Steve) kidnapped my mom. She was only 7 years old. He had her for 6 days before my father let her go. She never told anyone. My dad was 19 when kidnapped my mom, they lived on the same street, and no one knew. Five years later my moms mom was put into jail and her dad later that month was in a car accident. Little Jacquelyn was left all alone in the big house on the street. She was up for adoption, and Steve rescued her.

Jackie was 12 when Steve was 24, two years later Jackie was pregnant with Allan. Steve was so happy by the time Jackie was 17 they were married and I was on the way. Steve and Jackie with there toddler and perfect new baby went and moved to California on a farm. Then on my 1st birthday Jackie found out she was pregnant and 7 and half months later the twins were born. Shirlyn and Ruby. It was a surprised birth at Jackie mothers house in California. Everyone was so happy, three months later Steve lost his job and Jackie had to work at a fast-food joint.

Never made enough money to keep the house or the children, so me and Allan went to our grandmother sally for 6 years. When we came back to Jackie and Steve had a nice apartment and my aunt Katie lived with them, but only Shirlyn was there. I was 7 and a half and Allan was 10 we knew what happened, father got mad and Ruby was his outlet. See at this point we've seen Steve hit Jackie and yell at her, he hit us once or twice but we got out of the fire before the flames turned blue.

Katie was Jackie's half sister 5 years younger and way prettier, always having a flirty laugh and sexy smile, she knew how to work the world and the world always worked for her. Everything seemed better we celebrated Shirlyn's 6th birthday later that month and then Steve got a job at a liquor store paid really good, Jackie and aunt Katie both worked at a nail salon making 10 bucks a hour. That Christmas was nice, we all found out that Casey was on the way. 4 months later is when Steve got bad again that was the night he hit me so hard didn't wake up until the next day, my small 8 year old body must of flung through the living room like I was paper. I broke my nose and arm from hitting the wall. Jackie cared then she freaked out and left Steve for two years.

She started to have confidence and care about life, me and Allan and Casey were having a good life, but the word got out that Steve beat Shirlyn so bad that she was taken away. Jackie cracked and went back to Steve and found out he and Katie were together, and had a baby on the way. Jackie so Depressed about Shirlyn and Steve's new girlfriend, she stayed with Steve. he kept pumping her with "happy pills' and liquor. Katie miscarried and Steve was so upset he beat me and Allan, for months we didn't even go to school. I missed a lot of 3rd grade that year and Allan missed a lot of 5th grade, we didn't even know why.

At this point I was taking care of Casey all the time and Allan was developing a lot of anger issues towards Steve. Everything became worst and worst, Jackie and Shirlyn lost full connection and she blamed her self. Aunt Katie was getting more and more into her work making a lot of money, but never there to satfiy Steve's sexual needs so he just went to Jackie for everything Katie couldn't do. Tarring sisters apart one trying to out do the other.

Jackie's mom sally sent her to school to become a pharmacist. Jackie was naturally really smart so she pasted with flying colors, she was back in less than a two with a whole new confidence. Steve was excited because now Jackie is making a lot of money and Katie was going to have a baby, they were hoping this one will survive. We moved to a big house and Katie had her baby it was a little baby boy, named Zackary. After Katie could work again she already picked up a nasty habit, meth. One of Steve's 'friends' got her into it. I was only 12, Allan was 15 and Casey was really young 5. Zackary was only 7 months when the state took him away.

We would of went too but Jackie showed the state she was doing good with us kids and not doing any drugs like Katie. they said that they can put him in the same home as Shirlyn if we wanted, and Katie begged. We got a few letters from Shirlyn, Jackie was so happy and like everything else the letters stopped. Katie went through a program to sober up, but she never did. The next two years Jackie was bullied by Steve and Katie because they were jealous, she was able to keep us kids and Katie wasn't. as times became more rough Jackie became a alcoholic, Steve became more mad at everyone, and Katie was pregnant once again on meth. Steve was not happy, he was almost never happy.

He thought Katie cheated on him with one of his friends, so he never took care of the baby. Bright eyes and smiling was Mackenzie, she was nothing like the doctors though she would be. She was healthy everyone said for a meth baby. Not even two weeks after Mackenzie was born Katie left. No where to be found. No one at home was in shape for a baby but once again the new little one was passed down to me. I have tried to take care of the baby as much as a could, but I don't even know what Kinsey thinks of me.


	8. Chapter 8 First real class

(back of the book)

Espy is a girl who has never been shown love she has been abused by her drunk father and neglected by her own mother ever since she can remember scared to tell her mother who is lost in her own depression so she keeps quite as long as she can. moving from state to state once her secret gets out, her father is wanted for child abuse in 7 states. every time they move her father does a rehab session and thinks he is all better. Espy and her siblings are promised a new life, but that's just distant dream. Espy also has the burden of taking care of young Mackenzie, sweet Casey and watching over her older rebellious brother Allan. Espy has the hope for getting away from this stressful nightmare once she turns eighteen to live with the only person who listens to her , her grandmother, just four years to go until happiness is in her grasp, but everything changes when she moves to a small town called Falcon Valley. when she feels the absent feeling from her life love. Calen is a rugged bad boy that hates school and runs with a terrible crowd, until he meets Espy. He finds him self falling in love with her, more and more as they grow closer. all he wants is to care for her but she wont give him the time of day because josh is the apple of her eye he is a beautiful jock who's smooth with the ladies and has poor innocent Espy wrapped around his finger. Espy pushes Calen away as She pulls Josh close.

* * *

"hey, I was afraid I would not find you in time to eat." Calen said sitting next to me. He was holding a to-go bag from Patties.

"hey, you didn't have to get food."

"well I want you to try it, the pancakes are the best." he began to open the bag, the smell of maple and bacon came over the air.

"it smell wonderful."

"it taste like a Saturday morning, minus the orange juice." he chuckled.

I sat here eating amazing food, and all I can think about is my family. "so how are you?"

"I am happy, how are you?"

"I am kind of bothered." for some reason I really trusted Calen.

"oh. Why." he had a shamefully look on his face.

"just thinking about my past."

"what about it, if you don't mind me asking?"

"just why things are the way they are."

"and how are things?"

"shitty, uh just constantly shit."

"I know what you mean, you just cant stop the bullshit for two minutes. If only everyone would open there eyes and see how fucked up they are being."

"I know, ugh. I just want my dad to leave me alone!" and then I said to much.

"your dad is the one who hurts you huh?"

"no one hurts me, okay." I wanted to scream yes! My father wont let me live my life, but I like it here and I like Calen. Calen got up and threw away all of our left over's well his leftovers I ate everything I could.

"if you say so red."

"red?" I asked confused.

"its what I am going to call you, Kay red?" he smiled and sat next to me. " you know what red, I cant wait for you to get settled here."

"why?"

"because then I can see you everyday and I might be able to hang out with some one else than Trent…like you."

"I would like that." I blushed.

"good." he looked down and his shaggy hair fell over his face then he whipped it back up and smiled that spell bound smile.

*RING*

"well I better go to one of my classes today"

"what class is that?" he asked.

"English, do you know where it is I have it twice."

"uh, yeah I have it twice as well last and 2nd."

"I have it last period too, Ap English."

"me too. Ill walk you." as me and Calen walked to class I felt less lonely than I have ever felt on a first day ever.

"well here we are, I better hurry to class see you later red." Calen walked up some stairs and disappeared.

"Today we will be getting familiar with our journals." Mr. Carson said passing out spiral note books to each student. As I sat down in a middle row of tall desk, on a stool. I remembered I didn't have a pencil. "we will go around the room and say our names and one thing we love, I see many new faces from last year." I was glad to here that knowing I wasn't the only one new here. "I'll start I am Mr. Carson I love to eat Mexican food." he points to a girl in the front row.

"I am Lisa I love to work out." she smiled and looked to the girl beside her.

"I am Tori and I love to sing." she giggled and tapped a boy on the shoulder.

"I am Kevin and I love to play football." he went back to day dreaming.

"I am Claire I love to read and write." she gives a flirty smile to Mr. Carson.

"Mhhhm." Mr. Carson clears his throat. "next." I am next.

"I am Espy, I love to." I came up blank. What will I say, I like to hide from my father? "I love to write…fiction mostly."

'good, which brings me to my first assiment this week. But ill come to that later. Next." he points to a boy next to me.

"I am Ronnie I love to hang out with my girlfriend." a giggling girl kisses him on the cheek.

"I am Joanna and I love to spend time with my Ronnie bear." did the notice the said the same thing.

"Sorry I am late!" some girl busted into class.

"that's five minutes at lunch Lorrean." that's Lorrean? She Beautiful!

"Sorry Tony, I mean Mr. Carson." she sat next to me.

"we were going around and saying our names and something we love."

"I am Lorrean I love Calen." everyone in the room giggled, but me. "who are you?" she asked looking at me.

"I am Espy." her bright brown eyes shot a quick glance over to me and back at her nails, she was picking at them.

"we were at Joanna. Next."

"I am Todd, I love to play foot ball.

"I am Harold I love to get at the ladies." he sends a flirty smile my way.

"but you never get the ladies." Lorrean laughs and the class joins her.

"next." Mr. Carson says to move the class along.

"I am Herbert I love math." a quite voice said from the every back.

"okay class now that everyone is familiar with everyone lets start out first assiment." he sits in his chair. "get out your journals and write for twenty minutes about your thought right now, don't change it. Let me into your thoughts. If not then put a star right by it and I wont read it, just write what's on our mind at this very moment."

"I need a pencil." Joanna said.

"who else needs one?" MR. Carson passes them out and I shoot up my hand.

"welcome to the Class Espy." he said giving me a pencil. I open my journal and think all that comes to mind is Lorrean beautiful looks and soft voice, then her horrendous stories from Calen and Heart Breaking news this morning.

Lorrean

Straight black hair long on her tan skin. Glowing sinful eyes covered by heavenly eye lashes not ashamed to get there way. Flirty smile, holding more hearts than secrets because the plumped red stained lips can't hold one. Perfect smooth skin stretch over a nose to die for, gleaming nose stud small and dainty amazingly pared with diamond hoop in her ears, hiding behind her silk blanket tangled free as her troubles fall to the floor with one shift of her luxuries' body. While flats with bonny feet small freckle I caught as my eyes fallow up to her Long tan legs stretched under the table it should be wrong to wear pants with her amazing legs, holding up hypnotizing hips. Her jean skirt was almost to covering for it to make since to me. Why hide a body worth millions. Obviously not shy to attention, her wonderful body didn't stop at the hips continued to a flat tummy covered by a white tank top and a jean half jacket, unbutton. I bet she couldn't button the small jacket over her bust anyway.

"okay, time to stop." Mr. Carson smiled. "now I want you to read one word or line of what you wrote or as much as you want, I'll start." he cleared his throat. "my dog betty just had eight puppies." he pointed to Lisa and she picked up her journal.

"this Saturday I have a basketball game." Lisa was happy.

"shopping." Tori only read one word.

"beautiful smile and voice." Kevin blush, as the class noticed he was thinking about Tori.

"the way he tells us what to do, the way he wants us to tell him about our self. He is so amazing the way he teaches." there was a silent pause when Claire read her thoughts.

"umm, okay Espy."

"Glowing sinful eyes covered by heavenly eyelashes not ashamed to get there way." I read a line that didn't give to much away.

"I hope Calen will come to the doctors with me." I knew what she was thinking about, heartbreaking but a part of me wanted to slap Lorrean for being so stupid. But I don't even know her. I am just being rude.

"I want to buy the new death whore album." Ronnie laughed.

"Courtney is the slut of the school." Joanna said spitefully.

"Joshes party this weekend, should be fun its his 16th birthday." Todd said.

"new sin city video game that just came out seem freaking amazing." Harold shuddered.

"the math awards are soon, I hope I get the brain apple award." Herbert said quietly.

"okay, now pull out your heckle berry fin books and start silent reading on page 45." Mr. Carson said. Reading went fast before I knew it the bell was ringing for lunch.

"okay have a grate lunch class." Mr. Carson walked over to the door and opened it having kids giving him there journals.

"Espy can I have a word with you?" he said right as I handed him my journal.

"err. Yeah." I mumbled. I saw Calen right out side of the class room waiting for me, and guess who was waltzing over to him…LORREAN!

"I haven't got to know you and I love to know each and everyone of my students as best as I can, so tell me about your self?" he sat at his desk and pulled out a stool for me.

"I uh, have a older brother Allan he goes here and a younger sister named Casey, I would have younger twin sisters name Shirley and ruby, but ruby died and Shirley got taken away, I would have a half brother named Zack but he was taken away too." I don't know if I want to call Kinezy mine or my sister, it will be easier to explain if I say mine. "and I have a Daughter name Mackenzie, I live with my mom and dad." as soon as I said my daughter Mr. Carson became more interested.

"how old is your daughter?"

"she is going to be two in June."

"I would have a daughter just about that age, but she and my brother got in a car accident and both died."

"oh my god how does you wife feel about that?"

"my wife?" he looked down. "she was my girlfriend and I broke up with her right after my daughter was born because she would get off of cocaine."

"wow, sounds like my family." oh shit why did I say that?

"what do you mean?"

Shit I got to think of a cover up "uh, my mom is a drunk and my dad is just an ass. I guess its not the same thing but both hard to deal with."

"oh I see, yeah when I was you age my dad was a pain. But now I love him being around. I never thought I would do this but I actually call him every Saturday like he made me promise I would, and when I forget he is sure to make me remember I promised." he laughed.

"I don't think ill ever want my dad around." Mr. Carson's phone rang.

"just one minute." he said.

"I am just going to go." I left the class room.

The hallways were empty, where would everyone be?

"hey Espy!" I turned around to see Josh with two of his friends, one of them was Kevin.

"oh, hi josh. And I think your name is Kevin?" I knew his name was Kevin but just to be on the safe side I wanted to make sure.

"uh, no I am Karl. Kevin is my twin brother." Karl explained.

"oh my bad. I am just trying to get everyone's name right. Sorry."

"its okay I get it all the time." Karl looked down.

"so Espy what r u doing for lunch?" Josh asked walking right next to me.

"not sure, what is there to do here." just play it cool. And he will like you.

"eat, hang or make out." he said the last option with a flirty smile.

"uh, I am going to leave, c'mon Jake." Karl said tugging at jakes sweater and walking away.


End file.
